COURTNEY RIOT

Twin Flames

The other day, Zoetica sent me a link to this video.

Typically, videos like these make me roll my eyes.
Pretentious art-school films.
Creating something in attempts to shock. 

Oh, but this video.
It’s sexy. It’s gross. It’s beautiful.
I love it.

Thanks, Z!

[COILHOUSE]

death really is the best segue.

they say if you talk about weather within the first few minutes of a new conversation you’re simply struggling for words.

i don’t know who said that or even where i heard it, but i agree.

it’s how a majority of conversations with my family go.

the first minute is dedicated to the obligatory “how are you?” talk.
details are subtle, if even given.

god. what a safe subject. 

i sometime’s think about asking them how the weather tastes.

they have to be capable. 
if a coffee shop can have a “holiday blend” or “christmas flavor” they can surely tell me what the weather tastes like.

so, yesterday when I talked on the phone with some family members I was thrilled to announce that the weather had changed.

FINALLY. in a city/state where change is seldom, we have experienced a small change.

it is making me sick.
it’s causing me to drink cheap wine.
turn the heater on and off.
up and down.
my body can’t adjust.

as a result of being restless and starting to feel sick, I ordered the 23 and Me kit.

let’s be clear. because i, and you as you’re reading this, have access to the internet i like searching for what is wrong with me. 

WHY IS MY ARM TWITCHING.
WHY IS MY STOMACH MAKING THAT NOISE.
WHY AM I TIRED.
WHY DOES MY HEAD HURT LIKE THIS.
WHY DO I FEEL OFF. (usually in this situation I just go down the huge list of symptoms and mark everything that seems to be off or related to what i’m feeling. sometimes i won’t even know what it is, but then i see it and have an “Ah-ha! yes, i have this too!” moment.)

and yes. i type it in all caps.
full of rage into the search engine or directly into webmd.
it stresses my urgency.
the need to see results.
NOW. 

i type in headache and it gives me: brain tumor. 

“Courtney, based on the symptoms you checked off we have discovered you have a brain tumor. please call your friends, family, update your twitter and facebook status and cancel all commitments falling after the 17th of this month. Yours forever, WebMD and the Internet death gods.”

so, now i’m waiting for an extreme (additional) dose of hypochondria to be shipped off to me, where i will spit in a tube and mail it back.

these people will then analyze and send me my results.
it will outline various things that i carry.
things i could die from.

when i get these results i know exactly how i will act.
i will research everything for a week. possibly more.
i will update everyone on what i will die from, so it’s no surprise to them.
i will think about changing my lifestyle and do well for two weeks.
then stop.

then i will start to feel a bit ill, dig up the paperwork and see if anything is related.

what a fucking fantastic investment!
what a great excuse!
what a great crutch!
what great conversation piece this will make!

see, family.
next time we talk i can tell you about the weather and also what i’m dying from.

oh.
and the weather?
it’s 50-something degrees.

yes. i’ve discovered i am a pussy.
thankfully without the help of 23 and Me. 

it’s unlikely they are human.

(NON:  Alchemia Mysteria + The Golden Dawn)

well, obviously.

how exhausting life is when it all looks and sounds the same.
it’s funny though. when someone, more importantly something, turns it around we crave the routine that once exhausted us.

i despise routine and am terrified of commitment.

example; commitment #1: renewing the lease on my place.  
something so small and petty is giving me heart palpitations. 

somehow, i find myself in the silliest routines imaginable and commitments that scare me to death. both are unbelievably trivial yet my body reacts in the strangest ways.
spontaneity and obsession are really the only cures.

spontaneity in every day life and obsession in every day life.

i’m obsessed with obsessing. there’s something about throwing yourself into situations that are  unfamiliar. the awkwardness of getting to know, education, the effort that is put forth to understand and familiarize yourself with something. with anything, really.

it’s exciting.
it’s new.
for someone that doesn’t like routine, it’s somewhat perfect. 

think about when you were a child. you obsessed over a toy.
think about when you were a teenager. you obsessed over a band, an artist, a person.
maybe not. i know i did. excessively.
i educated and annoyed.
it was fantastic.

that feeling passed for a long, long, long time. probably due to a relationship. you know, losing yourself. becoming one. becoming we, instead of me. instead of you.

i truly hate playing the age card, but several older friends i’ve made have also lost this.
they are bitter. uninspired. void of youth and completely consumed with “wisdom”.

i see that and dread it. i do everything in my power to avoid that.

but, see, then…
BUT THEN! i grew.

i found all of these things i loved. things that i never knew i would love or could love.
mostly, it’s music. there’s something about it. something that nourishes and indulges me in a way that i find incredibly sexy and inspiring.

sometimes it’s film. other times it’s just listening to someone talk.
sometimes it’s a person i don’t know. other times it’s a person i know well. 

i want someone to give me something new.
something to research.
something to try and understand.
something to love or hate.

this is great.
a 2010 livejournal.
an extended version of twitter; a text message to the universe.

Oh here we go…

I’m here.

I’ve landed.

What do we do now?